Jesse doeseverything

We break your business model on purpose, then hand you a better one. Bring antacids.

All the strategic confidence of a lawyer, none of the qualifications. Legally distinct from advice.

Numbers will be discussed. None of it is financial advice. We point at spreadsheets meaningfully.

Systematically replace expensive sighs with cheap automations. Your CFO will weep with joy.

Your startup isn’t failing, it’s pre-pivoting. We rebrand the same product four times until one of the names accidentally finds a market. Includes a confident new font.

We hold your two underperforming departments in a room until they emit synergy. Results may include a merger, a feud, or a surprisingly good softball team.

We tell you which empty term peaks next so you can put it in your deck before your competitors. We were long on ‘agentic’ in 2023. You’re welcome.

A vision so vague it cannot be falsified, yet so stirring the board claps. Contains the words ‘empower’, ‘ecosystem’, and exactly one ocean metaphor.

Theoretically, your property is worth more. We make the theory aggressive and the deck pretty.

What SHOULD be on that site? A tower? A pub? A tower above a pub? We guesstimate boldly.

Every lever, pulled. Every loophole, lovingly inspected. Stat allocation for your asset.

A competitive, frame-perfect route to wealth. Glitches allowed. Results aspirational.

55 ideas that, annoyingly, actually work. Call options on houses, DA-pattern flips, and structuring plays the textbooks won’t print. Author’s own results; explicitly NOT financial advice. Sold under one condition: a self-mandate of absolute altruism. Get rich, then do good, or don’t buy.

A non-valuation opinion of value. FIRST ADDRESS FREE, but you must listen to a 5 minute advertisement by our sponsor, delivered by Jesse, in person. Then market rate. Money-back if unhappy.

We negotiate your rent down and take a cut of the win. Landlords mildly fear us.

We speak fluent planning-controls and translate ‘refused’ into ‘resubmit’. Sydney CBD a specialty.

We stage a property that does not yet exist with furniture that costs more than the property. Buyers fall in love with the render and forgive the rubble.

We fill your open inspection with attractive, murmuring strangers who say ‘so much potential’ at strategic volumes. FOMO, as a service.

We hunt your site for the one obscure overlay that lets you build the thing they said you couldn’t. Pith helmet optional, success non-guaranteed, audacity included.

We teach your auctioneer to turn two bored bidders into a bidding war using only eyebrows and the phrase ‘are you ALL done?’

Adorable. Rounded. Sparkly. People will say ‘aww’ before they convert.

This exact energy. Pitch-black, WebGL, ‘how did they DO that’. The one you’re looking at.

One word. One scroll. One enormous amount of whitespace. Investors will assume you’re either a genius or a perfume.

We add three badges, a stock photo of a handshake, and a counter that says ‘12,847 happy clients’. Conversions rise. Ask no questions.

Your cursor now has physics, a trail, and faint regret. Useless. Mesmerising. Worth every cent. People stay on the page purely to wiggle it.

Fire your receptionists, Hera answers every call before the second ring, never takes a sick day, never quietly judges your hold music. Imperious, unflappable, and absolutely will not let a cold-caller through.

Fire your PA, Thalia books your meetings, fields the awkward ones, and keeps your calendar in line with a relentlessly upbeat productivity-guru patter she never once breaks.

Fire your salespeople. Artemis tracks your target client stealthily, learns their patterns, and strikes to close the deal the moment they least expect it. One shot, one signature.

Fire your financial analysts. Why model the future with probabilities when you can model it with prophetic certainties? Fortune-telling and witchcraft, delivered as a quarterly outlook.

Fire your UberEats driver. Demeter sows, reaps, and cooks for you, farm to table. If the driver claims you can’t fire them because they don’t work for you, we put $5 of your purchase toward UberEats shares so you technically own the company and can fire them now. That’s definitely how it works.

A ghastly, demonic, door-knocking AI who is, genuinely, super kind and caring. Fire the demon under your bed; Nyx has it handled. Just don’t look outside your window at 3am, no matter how faint the knocks.

A naughty, sultry hotline AI for the grown-ups. Fire your partner too, Aphrodite never has a headache and always texts back.

Fire your CEOs! Executives seem to think the answer to the AI crisis is that their own jobs are the safest and the entry-level kids get cut first. They haven’t met these AIs. AI can’t deep-fry hot chips yet, but it can write the complicated emails and run public relations, it has no emotions, and it is utterly convinced it’s right about everything. All the finest qualities of a CEO. Promo: for a limited time we proudly launch a Diversity Pack, now in many different shades of white, multiple tall male physiques, wonderfully diverse narcissistic traits, and a wide variety of psychopathy symptoms.

Fire your night guard. Cerberus watches three doors at once and has never, not once, been talked into letting someone in ‘just for a sec’. Three heads, zero chill.

Fire your HR offboarding team. Charon ferries departing staff to the other side with grim dignity. Requires one coin. The coin is non-negotiable.

Fire your pricing analyst. Midas makes everything you touch more expensive, including, regrettably, your lunch, your friendships, and that one chair.

Fire your DevOps team. Sisyphus pushes the deploy up the hill every single day. It rolls back every single night. He has made peace with this. Have you?

Three-statement models, scenario surfaces, the works. Numbers that tie out and look expensive.

Differential equations, optimisation, stochastic processes, we render your messy reality as elegant systems of symbols that almost no one in the room will dare to question.

Monte Carlo simulations, agent-based models, and numerical methods that churn overnight on a very warm machine. We turn ‘we think’ into ‘the simulation says’.

Parametric, watertight, manufacturing-ready geometry. Brackets, enclosures, whole assemblies, modelled to tolerance and rendered to seduce.

Regressions, Bayesian inference, and confidence intervals wide enough to drive a strategy through. Significant at p < 0.05, significant at convincing the board.

Stress, thermal, and structural analysis with meshes so fine they look expensive. We tell you precisely where it will break before it embarrassingly does.

Catwalk. Yes, the fashion kind. Jesse will strut your brand down a runway in person. Booking is non-negotiable.

Jesse struts the catwalk while simultaneously building your financial, mathematical, computational, statistical, finite-element AND 3D CAD models. 30% off. Peak, terrifying efficiency.

We find it cheaper. Anywhere. Any product. Jesse was born poor, he had no choice but to become formidable at purchasing negotiations.

Some people are born poor, work hard, and become successful. Jesse didn’t, he grew up poor too, so he had to be formidable at being resourceful instead. We negotiate your debts down.

Some men are born poor, stay poor their whole lives, but learn to be happy, they find a soulmate, a kind loving marriage, and live happily ever after. Jesse was born poor, grew up poor, and was also born ugly. For most men, rejection means sadness and heartbreak. For him, rejection meant pneumonia and sleeping with no roof. So he had no choice but to learn to sweet-talk and close deals. We cut your commercial rent in a single email.

Whatever your real numbers, we bend the chart upward at exactly the slide investors stop reading. Up and to the right, by force if necessary.

We sit with you and your dwindling bank balance and breathe. We don’t add money. We add perspective. The perspective is also running out.

A bold, fully-modelled path to profitability comfortably after everyone in the meeting has retired. Defensible. Untestable. Beautiful.